losing my centre

My deep inner center, force, vibration, energy has been my trusted friend and primary ignitor of movement; connecting me to my inner-truth, instincts and passion. I have always been fascinated by how our insides move us; the power of the innate. We’re jam packed with important stuff and connecting to this ‘stuff’ grounds me the earth and allows for a spiritual appreciation of life. Spiritually is an (arguably) enigmatic notion with a wide diversity of definitions. Spirituality relates to the sacred, and for me an honest connection to one’s self is sacred. Through an internal connection, an inside to out philosophy, one can explore the different qualities, sensations, feelings that live inside, and allow them to carve in space, using movement as the medium. You can get rid of what you don’t need, give to the space and give to yourself.

The center is vital to dance and has had spiritual significance across cultures. Martha Graham developed an innovative dance technique focused on the contraction and release of the pelvis, movements intrinsic to the pulsation of breath and life. Her visceral connection to the tension in her body was revolutionary to Western Theatre Dance. She described her technique: “Every time you breathe life in or expel it, it is a release or a contraction. . . . You are born with these two movements and you keep both until you die. But you begin to use them consciously so that they are beneficial to the dance dramatically”. Martha Graham was innovative for her time and culture, however the basic principles of contraction and release, or arch and contraction, can be found in ancient and enduring spiritual women’s dance, such as belly dance (Stewart 2013). Moreover a number of forms connect to the deep center, i.e. the ancient Chinese healing art of Qi-Gong. Furthermore originating in Hindu and Buddhist philosophy and borrowed by some Yoga practices our chakras are centers of energy in the subtle, inner body, which are significant to physical and emotional health. Furthermore in Ohad Naharin’s Gaga language, the fundamental stimulus for movement is the ‘lena’, located in the deep lower abdomen. Moreover, in the work of Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen concerning how our organs provide tone, depth and volume, and how we can connect to their expression and emotion physically.

However what happens when you sustain an injury, in this deep center? When you no longer feel the free flowing juices, when you not feeling yourself?

I am lost.

The spiralling abyss of dread invites you. The spiritual appreciation and enjoyment of life gets caught in confusing murky waters. A puddle which needs to evaporate. It’s not about doing more, but an un-doing. How do we allow these deep internal layers to unfold, to release, to heal, to open? The injury isn’t superficial. This deep center is part of our body-mind symphony, a complex intricate melody of sensation, emotions, biology; it’s living. One needs to connect to oneself, scrape away the bullshit. Less judgement, more curious observations. A big inner hug.

I’ve had niggles and injuries to my ankle and hamstring. However they didn’t touch my soul. With a dodgy ankle I can still wine at a party, I just lean against the wall, sit down or place my weight differently, the internal rhythm doesn’t stop, vibes 24/7. However with pain and discomfort in the center, when you can’t even bus a likle wine – what the fuck and what then? When you try and feel your oats when the beat calls you to move from your soul, but your soul is twisted in a knot of pain; it’s just shit.
Who am I? When will this end? Will this end? I can fake it and smile and take some ibuprofen but that isn’t the answer, it can’t reach.

The human body is complex, it’s constantly evolving, shifting and adapting. We’re not always going to know what’s going on, we won’t always understand. Through our study and practice of listening to and following sensations we develop a heightened sensitivity to our inner subtle movements, most people won’t develop this amplified innate physical perspective, this high quality sound definition. But sometimes what your body is saying is unclear, communications get lost in a muddle of language-games. I never
experienced this so clearly than the process of this injury; it’s not a clear or simple one.

I could look for the ideal osteopath/physiotherapist. However after initial diagnosis or treatment the rehabilitation and recovery is in my hands. There is no one pill, nor one sacred therapist who can remove an injury. Moreover, from personal experience some can even make things far worse. The quick-fix guru is often the one who leaves enduring consequences, but in your anatomy. Trusting someone with your body shouldn’t be done without thought and connecting to your own instincts. Treatment is only beneficial if the person has an authentic, sophisticated understanding and connection to your body, your intricate rhythm.

 
Even 1000 of the most advanced scans won’t have a 100% accurate and complete portrayal of the intricacies of the human body. How does one deal with this unknowing, this uncertainty? In a growing uncertain world it’s a good time to get some practice, and starting with yourself, with your body is the ideal place to get comfortable. I’m still trying to figure it out, to find my own recipe for healing. Good conversations with loved ones, sun, water, breath, acceptance, grounding, patience and trust have proven useful. Although I’m still struggling to grasp on to the last component, a part of me is excited to see how the injury blossoms and where it takes me. I need to let this part flourish.